by Claire Willmer
This feature is a throwback to the summer of 2018! and was originally published on our site Barnstaple Babies and Beyond. My amazing friend Jade and I started this website as a way of getting to know the area and meeting new mums. The site is no longer running but the friendships we have made will last a lifetime.
When I was pregnant with our eldest, I would spend many hours of the day, day dreaming about what it would be like to be a mum and all the adventures we would have with our little bean. We attended the antenatal classes, passing the ‘what’s in the nappy’ test with flying colours or at least varying shades of green and brown! We decorated half our flat – why do we always feel the need to do this before a baby arrives?! And freshly washed and dried all the ridiculously small baby grows. We’d test driven our pram and packed our hospital bag at least five weeks before the due date, which actually turned out to be seven weeks because our eldest was way too comfy.
Fast forward two and a bit years later and it was quite a different story! I was still working a week before our youngest arrived. I was also desperately trying to finish my dissertation so was sat in the library most weekends continually checking the word count and eating copious amounts of biscuits. I was still running around after our eldest, trying to keep up while he enjoyed the perk of being able to blow giant raspberries on my ever-expanding bump. “Mummy, your belly is enormous!” I vividly remember calling my friend on the way to work when it finally dawned on me at around 38 weeks that I was going to have another baby! I know that sounds ridiculous but life was so busy that I had literally not stopped to think about the enormity of it all! Because our eldest had arrived two weeks after his due date I assumed it would be the same for our youngest and had visions of lounging on the sofa, watching Christmas movies and eating my weight in mince pies. But slap bang on his due date our youngest arrived. He was born in triage as there were no beds available and was wheeled out to applause. I hadn’t appreciated how thin the walls were on triage and there were a few slightly scared looking mums in their very early stages of pregnancy who had just popped in for their booking appointment. So, very quickly life changed, in so many ways. Before I had our youngest I was worried that I wouldn’t have enough love for two. I always thought of our eldest as being the love of my life (my poor partner!) and I was worried that there wouldn’t be enough of me to go around. Turns out I was wrong. I am not going to lie, the first few weeks or was it months?! Were tough. I so desperately wanted to make everything ok and ‘normal’ for my eldest that I found myself feeding my youngest and then passing him over, not giving myself time to study every inch of his face like I had done with our eldest. Our eldest had been in an incubator for seven days in intensive care so that was pretty much all we had been able to do for the first week of his little life. Despite trying to prepare our eldest for the new arrival and his special role as a big brother, he was devastated when he first met him in the hospital to discover that he was not, indeed a baby T-Rex. When my eldest was in floods of tears when we brought our bundle of joy home for the first time, I did feel like I had ruined his whole life and extremely guilty. A lovely visiting midwife reminded me that number one, it was probably because of the hormones and number two, even if it didn’t feel like it right now, we had actually given him the very best present he could have. A playmate to have adventures with and a brother who would have shared memories and shared experiences of childhood and who would always be there for him. There were many ways in which life changed, some I was expecting whilst others took me by surprise. Here are a few!….
1. You are outnumbered.
If, like me, your partner went back to work after the blissful two-week paternity leave, and your family didn’t live close by, there is no disputing it. You are outnumbered. I remember wondering how I would ever be able to leave the house again and marvelled at other mums with three or even four children who seem to make everything looks so simple (see point below – ‘The Golden Time!’) I found this tricky in the early days but even harder as the boys got older especially when my youngest had hit the toddling stage. When one child goes one way, and the other goes the other way, which way do you go?! It’s also particularly tricky when they take it in turns to tag team the tantrums especially in a public place like, say a supermarket or a bus! The ideas that you have in your head – “oh, let’s take a day trip to Ilfracombe on the bus and we can talk all about different forms of transport” quickly turn into a nightmare when you realise you forgot your toddler’s dummy, they are refusing to get off the bus and your baby is crying so much the bus driver stops the bus to make sure everyone is ok! Sometimes it is so overwhelming that it brings you to tears, you wonder how much more you have left but then they both jump on you and give you cuddles or turn to you and say “I love you to the moon and back” and there’s your answer.
2. The baby book of guilt
With our eldest, I bought a beautiful record book to mark down all those wonderful firsts. First bath, first time he rolled over, first tooth, first tastes. Literally everything was recorded in great detail with accompanying photographs of a smiley face peering up at the camera. We went to a wonderful hairdressers in London that specialised in children’s haircuts and did a package to celebrate our son’s first haircut by presenting him with a certificate and two locks of hair tied in tiny blue ribbons. We also had a ceramics café near our flat and spent afternoons in there with our NCT group printing footprints and later handprints on to plates, tiles and cups. Whilst we still purchased a beautiful record book for our second, it has largely remained on the book shelf with only a handful of details filled in. His first haircut was done by a very good friend who did an awesome job but his hair is still stuffed in a used envelope labelled “Max’s first haircut May 2018” and stuffed at the back of the cupboard. We haven’t been as diligent at recording handprints or footprints. This fact does make me feel a little sad but life is different with two. Busy, crazy and chaotic but also, at times, beautiful too.
3. Toddler groups
In the early days, toddler groups were such a useful resource. If we made it out of the house in time, my eldest could have a lovely time playing with other children and new and exciting toys, I could sit and feed my little one and the lovely ladies who ran it would hand out cups of steaming tea and pink wafer biscuits. It was reassuring to see so many mums in similar positions, wearing the circles under our eyes like badges of honour. This really only worked though if my eldest was playing ball. I vividly remember one occasion where we went to a toddler class in the very early sleep deprived days. My eldest was still feeling very hard done by at the realisation that his new brother was in fact staying and was being slight, shall we say ‘testing!’ While everyone else was sat round in a circle singing ‘twinkle, twinkle’ he was bouncing off the play equipment at the side of the room. I will never forget when he lobbed a pair of ‘listening sticks’ at a nearby mum and I had to chase after him, all the while feeding my youngest on the boob. It was far from glamourous. But then, suddenly it becomes easier. Now the boys are a little older, they both enjoy joining in at these groups. It melts my heart to see them dancing along with the class leader or trying out their break dancing moves. Do we still have problems leaving – yes! I’m not going to lie, copious amounts of snacks and bribery are required to get my two in the car but we do definitely have a lot of fun. Which leads me to the next point….
3. ‘The golden time’
‘The golden time’ is what I call that period of time when you have not only made it out the house with matching socks on, but both children are getting on well, being endearing and sweet and you literally feel like you are winning at life. Please note, this inevitably ends with a major tantrum from one, two or all of you but for that moment of time life is sweet. Before I had our second, I was in a café with my oldest and a group of mum friends. In the corner of the café was a mum with 4 young children enjoying babycinos. We couldn’t believe how well behaved the children were and asked the mum what her secret was. Her advice was to make the most of ‘the golden time’. Get in and get out whilst things are good. Gone are the days of whiling away an afternoon drinking endless cups of tea and eating cake. Now it is all about leaving on a sweet note!
4. Cebeebies is life (or, let’s be honest, strange people dressed as the Paw Patrol characters unwrapping kinder eggs!)
Before I was a parent I genuinely thought that my children would not watch T.V. They would be too busy climbing trees and splashing in puddles to be interested in staring at a screen. That notion is literally laughable now. My children love being outdoors and we really appreciate the wonderful countryside that surrounds us but there is no doubt about it, they really do enjoy watching T.V. In the early days of endless feeds, it was the only way I could manage to entertain my oldest. Now, it buys me time at the end of the day when I make tea. I’m not going to lie, I LOVE Topsy and Tim and Waffle is my new favourite, watching it back to back like the new Breaking Bad. We have also, on many occasions, each surrendered our phones to our little ones so that we can have even just 5 minutes of time together eating dinner without running after our littles. We now embrace it. Last weekend we went to a children’s festival and came face to face with Justin Fletcher, who was a complete ledge! Hearing the kids singing ‘Goodbye, Goodbye’ at the end of his set, waving their hands in the air was really quite something!
5. Magical moments
There are a lot of magical moments. No one can make my youngest laugh like our eldest and there is no better sound than them belly laughing together. Seriously, when you can’t hear anything, something is going down! Flashback to the time when our oldest decided to ‘make over’ his younger brother with some chubby felt tips! It’s the little moments that are the sweetest. Our eldest running back in on the way out to nursery to tell his brother that he loves him and to give him a kiss or holding hands with each other whilst tottering around the Science Museum in London. Wearing matching outfits to their nana’s birthday dinner. Grabbing a lift in the pram together sat on each other laps, strapped in and holding on tight or our eldest choosing a toy for our youngest when he is distraught. All of these moments make it worthwhile.
